pain..

心，开始疼痛。不是为自己，而是为别人，那个人，是雪人。我人凭着直觉，误打误撞都能撞到了雪人的三个blog.. 因为雪人没留名字，原以为其中两个不是她的blog，另一个她有放CG的照片所以不会有错。但我读着那三个blog，不同年份写的这个那个，跟雪人的生活完全贴切，但也让我知道很多她从没对CG说出的事情。很多她的痛苦，她都自己默默地承受。


我，老是只想着自己，太过自私了。让她痛苦的那个人，若再不清醒、振作，我就真的很想动手打人了。知道她这么多事，让我为她心疼，让我很想保护她，也让我更恨自己的自私自利。

delete..

juz deleted many posts.. very negative ones.. those extreme ones.. thought i should juz delete in case when i look back, i grew depressed easily.. since this blog is not disclosed to any other ppl i doubt anyone i know will read this.. and of coz i can do anything i want on this blog haha.. lol..

so hurt..

xinwei has broken the record.. the first person 2 hurt me so much.. i really have 2 salute him i tell u.. cant believe that he rather believe a kid then his own helper whom he has known 4 almost 3yrs.. am i so unreliable that he cant trust wad i say?
sat did ret busing.. scolded a kid 4 screaming and shouting on the bus.. was a bit agitated but still within control.. i'll nvr lose control in front of a kid.. at least that's wad i strongly believe i wont do.. his elder cousin interfered and showed very bad attitude and impoliteness.. she had been showing very bad attitude 4 a few weeks alr..
she is alr pri6 and yet still behave very childishly.. she will even tell her small cousin 2 do things she knows isnt right.. she sets a very bad example 4 her younger cousins.. she reprimanded her 4 being childish and she even dare 2 reply, 'childish meh?' and smirk.. i gave a fierce and loud, 'yes! you ARE childish!'
after they left the bus at their stop, i reprimanded the rest of the bigger kids that had been making noises together with them.. they showed respect and listened, occasionally nodding in agreement.. after busing, i felt so grieved.. why would such a big kid still bahave like a small child.. wont they juz grow up?
xinwei called me.. i think he was told that i hit the kids and threatened them.. i told him briefly wad happened and emphasised that i didnt hit them.. i didnt even TOUCH them!! was quite angry coz i know they 'er ren xian gao zhuang'.. after sat svc, i saw a msg xinwei sent me.. this was wad he said, 'i dunno what happened on the bus. but no matter how angry we are we cannot hit the kids and threaten them.'
it took me quite some time 2 hold back my tears.. it hurts.. nvr thought that xinwei will say such things.. it is so obvious by the msg that he dun believe me at all.. talked 2 Hui Shan juz now.. i muz really thank her 4 trusting me so much.. she says that she'll believe whatever i say.. doesnt xinwei know that i cant even tell a lie without stammering? doesnt he know that integrity is the main principle of my life?
am i so unreliable that he cant trust? am i so horrible that all these things have 2 happen 2 me.. i guess b'day this yr will once again be an unhappy one.. every yr's b'day is unhappy.. guess i'll nvr have that fortune.. did i do anything wrong? maybe wad i did wrong was 2 believe xinwei is a fren.. wad i did wrong is being eager 2 serve in CCH..
i dunno how am i gg 2 face xinwei.. i'm not ashamed 2 face him.. but i dunno wad i'll do when i see him? angry? upset? i dunno.. does this spells the end of me in CCH? maybe.. as much as i dun wan 2, i think i'll have 2 leave CCH quite soon.. unless xinwei realised i'm innocent and apologise.. i'm willing 2 forgive, as long as xinwei believes me..

God.. heal my heart and make it clean.. open up my eyes 2 the things unseen.. show me how 2 love like You have loved me..

It hurts!

Heart breaks, conviction shakes
Hold on? Back off?
Matter of faith

Temptations come, no where to run
Sin on? Repent?
In need of strength

Anger surfaced, no longer suppress
Express? Confess?
Emotions awaits